This illusion I'm so sorry
by RoseandThorns
Summary: "I'm not real, Yugi. I'm dead, died thousands of years ago. I'm not real, can't you understand that? You can't love me. Why won't you understand?" Yami refuses to allow himself and Yugi to love.


Hello! I'm back with another random fic!-I have no idea where this came from...was supposed to be sad...

Enjoy!

Keep happy and reviewing!

Much love!

Song: I'm sorry- Dilba

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

...

Yami

This Illusion...I'm so sorry

_I painted a picture of you  
your soul was red, and your mind was blue  
destiny laid a light on my creation_

this dream I had made  
a slave of my passion  
reality was always too far away  
and we were happy  
until it came too close one day

and sudden I faced  
the truth of my dream  
my love had only been a picture, a scene  
I suppose I needed to believe  
didn't want to see  
you had never been close to me

I'm sorry, this illusion  
has caused you a lot of pain  
and I have no solution  
I'll try to never be back again  
I'm sorry

I painted a picture of you my dream was a lie  
and the lie became truth  
reality held its breath too long  
it's disgusting what dreams can do to you  


"I'm not real, Yugi. I'm dead, died thousands of years ago. I'm not real, can't you understand that? You can't love me. Why won't you understand?"

He never did. I don't think he even tried to understand. Sometimes, I would look at him and see denial in his loving amethyst eyes. He didn't want to believe that I was dead. That my mortal body had perished under the heat of the Egyptian sun.

He couldn't understand that a spirit can't be loved.

I didn't understand why he couldn't understand.

.

.

.

Remorse and guilt flowed through me as I studied Yugi's sleeping profile. He'd fallen asleep alone, with tears his only comfort. I could still see them, crystal and cold on his cheeks. I put them there. Each night he cried because I could not give him my heart.

_I know...you weep bitter lonely tears...and I...a fallen monarch...do not have the words nor the wisdom to fix it._

Hesitantly, I reached out to brush them away, to take away the hurt. But my hand slipped through him and I knew that if I looked my hand would be behind his head, clenched into the tight fist I knew that it was. Yugi didn't stir, didn't acknowledge me. He never felt a thing. I never felt a thing. What was the point in a relationship? We could love, say what was in our hearts but we'd never touch. I could pledge to love him, to protect him, too love him until my dying breath. Or I could wake and let reality back in. I can't give him my heart. This body's heart stopped beating centuries ago. Back when I still believed in love. Back when I still had hope. The blood stopped flowing and dried to ash in my veins. I could never be reborn into this world.

_The illusion that I am_

But Yugi...he'd give himself. Every part of himself. He'd let my hold his heart in my hands, let me decide its fate. He wouldn't care that I could never touch him, never hold him. He wanted the useless lump of muscle inside me that had once forced life around my body. Why?

Why want mine when he had his?

I wished I could ignore the tears as they fell, trickling down my cheeks. How is it that I can cry, yet not express my love? I watched as they fell, ghosting Yugi's hair before falling into nothing.

_...Illusion...fake..._

The pillow remained dry, my tears did not mix with Yugi's. I turned away from Yugi, falling to the floor and curling into a corner. With my back pressed against the wall and my knees drawn to my chest I cried. With shaking hands, I grasped the golden puzzle, feeding off the warmth of Yugi's soul. My body trembled and my soul bled but I never awoke Yugi. I couldn't allow him to see the torment I put myself through. Wounds that had festered and long since grown septic stung, lacerating a broken soul. I had no control over the emotions dancing so deadly inside me.

_Tears on a porcelain face...you fraud..._

"Aibou...I'm so, so sorry."

"Yami? Hey, Yami." I raised my head, staring bleary eyed at the boy before me. Concern was written across his features, his eyes a light with it. "Are you ok?" I nodded blankly. "Did you spend all night on the floor?"

"I...I...sorry."

He rolled his eyes, before moving over to the dresser and pulling a sweatshirt out. The distance between us bit at my soul. It was a space that I could never breach. I could never take the step and close the gap.

"You know," Yugi started conversationally. My eyes followed him, noticing the drag of his feet and the slump of his shoulders. I swallowed past the guilt rising in my throat. "It's not good to sit on the floor all night. Even for someone like you."

I sighed. "I'm dead, Yugi. I can't feel anything."

He sent me a glare, shocked, I rocked back into the wall. "Then tell those emotions they don't have a place in you."

The words felt like a hammer to an already shattered soul. Something inside me snapped. The pain and the moment stole away my breath. I lurched forward, gasping for air I didn't need but wanting it in my system. My fingertips curled into the carpet, twisting the strands. Yugi was by my side, his hand hovering uselessly above me.

Breathe idiot...Just breathe...

"Hey, hey, it's all right Yami. Calm down. I'm sorry. C'mon Yami, keep breathing. You're all right."

Slowly the panicked gasps reduced to wheezes and I sat back on my heels, staring into Yugi's face.

"Thank you, Yugi."

His name felt cold when it left my lips, like something had died, taken a part of me with it. Yugi's eyes tightened in pain, I winced when it flared down the mind link.

"You're welcome, Yami."

I flinched, Yugi's voice barely disguised the anger, the hurt he felt. I lifted my gaze to his, watching his eyes dim, but seeing the smile creep to his face. So fake, so pained. Every time, I put it there. It would take so little to take it away but I know I can't do it. It would take too much to give what he wanted. The fall would be the hardest. At least this little tumble from grace I can handle. The pit's not quite so deep here. Maybe I can save myself. I know this way I can save Yugi.

"I didn't mean that, Yami. Of course you can keep those emotions, they're a part of you. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault if you speak the truth. It makes sense, surely a spirit should not have feelings when his body perished so many years ago."

"Yami! Course you have emotions, if not you wouldn't have been hyperventilating on my floor moments ago."

I chose to ignore Yugi's logic. To push past his truth and see only mine. Yugi crouched down before me, his hand raising to my face but never touching. But the action caught my attention, and I raised my gaze to his.

"Is that why you can't love me? Because these feelings frighten you?"

"They don't' frighten me. I can't love you because I can't." Pain whipped around the link, driving logical thought from my mind, as I doubled over, gripping my head, grinding my teeth together. "Why can't you understand?"

"I don't get it! I love you and I know you love me. It's all right to be afraid but you're just taking the piss."

"Yugi..."

"I have to go eat now. Later, Yami."

Silently he stood and walked away. I heard his footsteps disappearing down the hallway. When he had left, I stood, clearing the cobwebs from my mind.

My safely did not matter. Yugi's did. I love him but I'll never say.

I...I can live with that.

_Please...understand, Yugi._

_I can't let you love an illusion...what would your life be like if you did?_

Yugi and I never connected after that day. I never let him back in and he never reached out to me. His compassion toward the enemy grew; at times it felt like he did that just to spite me. I prove that he cared about them more than he did me. I slaughtered enemies, not seeing people, going through the motions though it hurt deep inside. I'm not a killer; I'm not supposed to be. Yet I sent more people to the shadow realms those weeks than any other time.

"Hey, Yugs." In the golden cell of my prison, I tensed. Jou's voice was curious and concerned. Growling I turned away, stubbornly facing the wall. The voices still carried to me. "what's up with you and the spirit?"

"What do you mean Jou?"

"Yugi, don't play innocent. What's wrong? You're not...you and he's...well...scary."

_What's wrong aibou...lose the leash?_

"He's just stressed, this time's taking a lot out of him. Finding his memories."

"And you?"

"Me? Just tired. That's all."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Just tired."

_/Tired of everything, I guess/_

_/Aibou...I...sorry.../_

I used to love watching Yugi dream, sometime he would pull me into them. They were always colourful, much more so that I remember mine being. Creative, finding new ways to destroy an ancient foe. During those times, I used to perch on the end of his bed, seeing the emotions dance across his face. Knowing when he called out to me to save him.

I used to find peace, knowing I could save him in his mind.

But now...I fear when the dreams come...Because I dream instead...

They don't make sense, they're dark and filled with weeping children. Amoungst them all, I always find Yugi, crying, wailing for someone to come. He never sees me when I reach out to him. Whenever I fall and hit the ground, he never blinks. I'm invisible to him, just a phantom of the past.

And sometimes...dreams become reality...

_I'm sorry._

I studied my aibou, watching as we stood on opposite ends of the duel ring. My powerful dragon behind me, a golden box behind him. We were always supposed to reach this point. I was always supposed to say goodbye.

I know that now.

Tears gathered in Yugi's eyes, daring to escape as his glaze flashed up to mine, pride and determination on his face. I couldn't look at Yugi's friends, didn't want to know what their reactions were.

YUGI'S friends...never MINE...

_Illusions can't have friends...it's logic..._

When his attack hit and the smoke cleared, a weight had been added to my mind. Yugi cried openly, falling to his knees. The mind link tore apart before any emotions could reach me. I couldn't understand his tears. I knelt beside him, trying to work it out. Trying to find the words to comfort. But he shook me away. Rejected, I stood, moving toward the door the ended my future. That started Yugi's.

"My name is, Atemu."

_Atemu...remember that name, Yugi. He's real._

Something held me back, a last thread connecting me to earth, to the group of people behind me. Suddenly Yugi's hand slipped in mine, the duel making this possible even for a fracture of a minute.

"Do you have to go?"

"You know the answer to that, aibou. I can't stay here. I don't belong."

"You could belong beside me. I could teach you everything I know."

"It wouldn't work."

I tried to drop his hand but he clung on. Uncertain I stared at him, confusion flowing through me.

"It's all right Yami. Please, let me have this minute."

He stretched up, framing my face with his hands, massaging the skin. His eyes were clear, focused, he knew what he wanted. His lips touched mine for the first and last time. In the brief moment we were joined, I wondered why I had denied us both this. I felt real. The kiss was real.

Then I remember, for this brief second. This moment is mine. I slip my tongue through Yugi's lips, pulling the small form to me. He holds me tighter, his hands running along my shoulders before sliding down my back. Seconds later his hands are under my shirt. His fingers burn my skin but before I yelp, it soothes. I don't understand. But I want this moment to last forever. But when Yugi's hand slips through mine, I know it can't.

The heartbreak I see on Yugi's face as I pull away, pulls tears from my soul. This was why I had kept away. Because he'd be hurt. I could never be real. He could never love a breathing, living man if he fell for me.

But for the first time, I can see he understands. There's a small smile on his face as the tears fall.

"I love you, Yami." He whispers

I draw toward him, placing dying lips beside his ear. "And I, aibou, love you too."

He smiles brightly, tears still flowing.

"Goodbye, my Pharaoh."

"Goodbye, aibou."

I step toward the light, the end of my story. I'm not afraid, just full of regret. I couldn't have my perfect life. But I can give Yugi's his.

_This is for you, aibou. Please, have a good life. Maybe, if the Gods are kind, I'll see you again._

"It's your move, pal!"

_That's right. It's always been my move._

I turn to Yugi. "Right!"

_Goodbye Yugi. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. _

_I won't be back again._

_..._

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